I just came out of a job interview. Boss was interviewing the perfect candidate for this job. This is how it went…
Boss: Good morning! Thank you for coming to the interview, especially because you didn’t apply for this job and I picked you. I appreciate your taking the time for my sake.
Candidate: Good morning! Of course, it’s an honour to be considered to work in your Company, so I am pleased to be here to discuss with you what you have to offer.
Boss: Although you didn’t apply for this job, can you tell me what could be your motivation for working in my Company? Err… if you were to apply, why would you apply? What’d make you a perfect candidate for this job?
Candidate: Well, your Company is very well known and it’d be an honour to work in it. If you scan my CV, you’ll see that I have done excellently well in my last 7 jobs: always tried to improve myself and move up the ladder, upheld the values of the Company I worked in and contributed to its goals. I guess that’s why you picked me. As long as I know what your Company’s goals are, which I don’t know at this point, I can work to achieve them. You will not find me short in commitment and dedication. And I want to change your Company for the better and this job will be the best opportunity for me to do that.
Boss: Very good. You mentioned your past jobs. But my Company is quite different. For example, there’s no job description or terms of reference for your work. You have to figure it out yourself what you need to do. People around will help you to orient yourself, but it’s up to you what you want to do with your time in the Company. Will you be able to manage that kind of freedom?
Candidate: Wow, that sounds great! That means I can design my work as I want! That’ll be so exciting! I will find out from others what needs to be done, what will be beneficial for your Company and spend my time and energy on working on those things. I will solve the problems you have in your Company.
Boss: But you will also find that not many people in my Company are always helpful. How will you deal with a situation where you are surrounded by people who don’t agree with you and want to attack you because of who you are and what you believe in?
Candidate: I will be respectful to everyone and their opinions and beliefs. I will respect everyone irrespective of who they are and what their beliefs are. Even if I don’t agree with them always, I can still work with them and live with them for the sake of your Company and goals.
Boss: What will you do if someone attacks you unfairly?
Candidate: I will try to understand their perspective, why they are attacking me. I’ll try to make them see what they are doing is unfair. If nothing works, I’ll get help from other people to resolve the conflict between us.
Boss: And if someone, especially someone in power, is doing things that are clearly unjust, unethical and unlawful?
Candidate: I will fight it by all means.
Boss: What if no one else stands with you?
Candidate: I will fight it alone. To fight for truth and justice, one woman is enough!
Boss: Excellent! That’s what I wanted to hear. OK… Just so you know, as a new worker, you have to join my PID programme. This is the Probation in Darkness programme, in which you have to be in probation for 9 months in darkness. I will put you in a dark room for 9 months: don’t worry, it’ll be a comfortable, warm room and I will provide you good food at regular intervals as you need (without asking). You cannot see what’s going on outside the room, but you’ll have a fair idea from the ambient sound. But you cannot come out of the room until your probation period is over. How do you feel about that?
Candidate: Hmmm… that sounds unusual, but I sense your Company is not like usual places. I am game, because I really want to see what your Company is like at the end of those 9 months.
Boss: And you will of course see that if you manage to complete PID. Once you step out of the room, you’ll be expected to learn the rules and procedures of my Company, although there’s no guarantee that everyone follows them.
Candidate: Of course, I will do that. I am a stickler for rules. If anyone is not following your rules, I will guide them and help them to remain on track. And if they still don’t follow your rules, I will leave them to your mercy and mind my own business. I will always follow your rules.
Boss: Very good. I should also tell you that I’ve a dress code. When I release workers from PID, I give each of them a unique colour and mask. Sometimes the colour is an advantage, often it’s not. People around you may hate you and attack you because of your colour and mask. Which colour and mask do you want?
Candidate: I take it that you’ll find the right colour for me. I like the idea of a colourful Company! What fun is there in monotone? Whatever colour I get, I will play with it, mix it with other colours, create new colours and make your Company more diverse. What’s in a colour, really? The more we have, the better!
Boss: Sounds good! But sometimes I’ll place blocks in your way. I’ll give you pain and sorrow for reasons not apparent to you. Will you blame me for that?
Candidate: If you give me pain or pleasure, you must have reasons for it. I will take it all as training to make myself stronger, patient, non-judgemental, non-blaming. I am far from perfect and will work to improve myself all the time.
Boss: OK, I’ve told you about my entry policy. Let me explain to you my exit policy. As a worker in my Company, you can be terminated at any time, without any notice or explanation. Sometimes I will give you a short notice, or a long notice, depending on the need of my Company. But many times I terminate my workers in a very very short time. You cannot do anything about it: it’s my decision. Of course, you can exit the Company at any time you want; many of my workers do exit on their own when they find it difficult to work in my Company, but it can get difficult and messy to do such an exit.
Boss: Don’t worry! It is also possible that you can stay in my Company for a really very long time. Many workers have achieved that and you can also be a lucky one! And I want you to be one. Shall we now discuss your compensation package?
Candidate: Thanks. I’m not particularly concerned about the package. As long as your Company takes care of my basic needs, I will be happy to do anything for you, your Company. I believe in doing what’s my duty and not worry about the result of my work.
Boss: That’s fabulous! We have a deal then. I will now conceive a way to get you enrolled in PID. Once you complete it, you’ll be in my Company. Welcome!
The fact is, this interview never took place. Boss didn’t take care to screen the candidates and see what a mess the Company is in. It’s all her fault!
For those who are wondering who the Boss is, enjoy the April Fool’s Day spoof! 😃
(I wrote this piece for April Fool’s Day some years ago.)